E train thinking

3 days into my job and things are starting to get rolling. I know it'll take awhile to get into the swing of things and for me to really know what my role in this huge company is going to be- so for now, I am doing everything possible to learn everything possible- even things that I will probably never need to know, but I feel like understanding what everybody does to contribute to get the ball rolling is important. Important for understanding and important so I can do my job better. All in good time.

But this is not the point for me right now. My point is that I get a lot of deep thinking done on my commute. There is no point in my day where I feel as alone as I do when I am crammed into a packed E train car with the rest of Manhattan. I become surrounded by people- yet so alone. While I was in my state of solidarity today, I began to wonder- whats my purpose? Whats the purpose of the woman reading the New York Times next to me? What will the purpose be of the twins sleeping in their stroller with their mom watching them like a hawk?

In school, they prepared me for everything that I ever though would be important, until now. What teachers and education do not prepare us for is the jolt of real life. When it hits- there is no 'extra credit' study session to attend , no 'office hours' or 'make up tests.' Real life is either you sink, you swim, or you just float. 17 years of my life were spent in school. 17 years I studied for tests that I only scored mediocre no matter how hard I studied. All those math and spelling tests, were they necessary, of course. But was it worth all the time I cried about studying and all the times my dad every yelled at me because I couldn't remember how to spell a word after 50 times of repeating it? I'm sure they all contribute to who I am today and to where I am going- but honestly, there is not class to prepare you for life, no syllabus to tell you when the next test to be- or when you get a break to just go home and do nothing.

It is a strange sensation to be having these deep and profound (or at least what I think are deep and profound) thoughts surrounded by people who I think can hear everything I am saying in my head. I know that they have no idea what I'm thinking, for all they know, I am thinking about what color underwear I am wearing, but I like to think they know. I like to see the other people in the subway as my audience- and the smartest people on earth, who hold all the answers to my question- but just will not, because they know better than me. They know that I will have to figure out the answers myself.... This is why I feel alone, because I imagine they can speak back to me and hear me, but refuse to talk, making me feel alone.

What deep thoughts the E train provided me with today- who knows what it'll give me tomorrow. I do know one thing: there is a purpose for everything, and I have a purpose in life- I have always though that I am suppose to do something bigger than myself in life, its just finding what that something is. But I have a feeling, one of the silent people on the subway know my answer- just got to get them to tell me.

Peace, Love and screaming silence,

B