New Chapter...

So I think I have entered a third phase of my post-college life-

The first phase was denial. Aka the first 4 months- the summer right after. The summer where in the back of my mind I thought that August was going to roll around and magically, I would just be going back to school with all my friends- a stroke of fate would happen and I'd be back.

The second phase was run away. Aka moving to New York- 6 months. I moved away from home to try and find that happiness that I had in Bloomington. Find my own way- find out if my dreams would come true. I ran to New York because its also know as the "city of dreams" or as I came to know it, "the concrete jungle." New York was my escape- my excuse to try and find a way to be happy without school friends. All of those school friends mostly lived in Chicago and were having a great time- so possibly, I tried so hard to make myself look like I was having an amazing time- making friends, trying something new. Part of that statement is true- but another part of my has realized that I was putting on a front- trying to make myself seem happier than I was, knowing in the back of my mind, Home is where I am the happiest.

The third phase, the new phase, is reality. After almost a year out of college (a full year in May), have I realized that no one else matters. No body else's happiness can define my happiness. To have friends and to be truly happy- I have to be my own friend, and be happy with myself. I am finally there. I have accepted that life does go on after college-friends will drift, jobs will come and go, the seasons will change and years will still pass, and no matter what, life will go on. But this new phase, this reality phase, is not a bad one. It's actually kind of fun- the unknown.

One thing is for sure- I have finally come to a place within myself that realizes change is ok. It's scary for sure- but thats life- consistent change.

The fact that no day in real life is the same. I went from a birthday party Friday night to volunteering at a youth group convention on Saturday night-Sunday, to watching a full Sex and the City marathon with a good friend on Sunday shows me that although my best friends came from college- there are more friends to meet and new memories to be made. Holding onto the old memories is important, because they molded me into who I am now, but moving forward is what is most important.

And I have realized why I have not been blogging as much- it is because I do not really have a lot of frustration anymore. When I was younger- I had a huge problem with bullies. My mom decided it would be a good idea to send me to talk to a child physiologist (which now that I look at it- the best idea). My doctor told me instead of letting out my feelings on others, let my feelings out on a piece of paper- just let everything flow. And that is why I always put a pen to paper (or in this case, fingers to the keyboard) when I am upset. Only really in sad times did I ever write page after page in my journals. But when I was happy, there would be a short blurb that went like this:

"Dear Journal,

Swim practice was great today- and I went to the mall and bought a new hair clip. Its

really cool.

Love, Brandi

Which is why now, I have not been writing- Because I haven't had time to write because I am out enjoying everything going on.

In New York- I encountered a lot of situations that made me upset- I had some issues within my self that needed to be worked out, and my way of getting out my frustrations: writing. But now, those frustrations I encountered in New York are not gone through alone. I have a support system around me. And, all around, not as many frustrations- I am all around happier. Something I am going to work on is learning to write when I am happy, share the fun things with you all, instead of only the complications. Because recently, I have been loving where I am in this third phase, really loving the reality, instead of day dreaming of being back in college.

So my challenge to myself:

Now that I am in this 3rd phase phase, do not stop writing. I need to show you all every aspect of myself, good, bad and different. Who knows, this could be like my "smile project" because havent you ever noticed that when you smile as someone, its hard for them not to smile back- with my new chapter- maybe I'll help someone smile back.. just a though.

Peace, love and loving the 3rd phase,

b

New Places

I have grew up on Atlanta. Well... sort of, more so in the suburbs... but still, Atlanta was my home base. And in the 22 years of growing up in the Atlanta metro area, I have never really explored the park down town. I knew it was a place that people went on nice days, and I knew it was fun, but I never seemed to venture down there.

Today was my first official day playing and exploring the park, and it has blown me away. In New York, central park was cool, but I always felt like I could never get a grip on the park: totally different back in Atlanta. Maybe its because I feel like I belong in this city more, or maybe it was the 70 degrees and clear blue skies- whatever it was, I just felt like this park was calling my name. The park is also going to be my official debut of my kickball talents. To make new friends, I am continuing on my friend dating, but doing it through a league- we play every Sunday and then go to the bar to drink. The perfect way to make friends- sports and booze. The easiest way to make friends.

Because I grew up in the Atlanta area, I thought I knew everything- well, clearly I am wrong. One main reason I know everything is because now that my boyfriend will be spending the summer in Atlanta, he is trying to get a grip on the city, and he asks me questions, asks where things are or how to get places and I have NO clue. So having him so curious about where everything is forces me to explore more and actually take the effort. Without him asking- I wouldn't even care to look.

Another concept I discovered this weekend: beer drinking at a brewery. If you have never had Sweetwater beer- you need to. Your life will be rocked- believe me. I can now confidently say that I have tried EVERY one of their beers- and all exceeded my expectations. Plus, as the brewery, I got a free glass with my $8 dollar entry fee and 6 beer tickets (which ended up being about 10 tickets between myself, my boyfriend and a few friends, because people thought that we looked thirsty and would just hand us their tickets.)- totally worth the $8 and 15 minute drive.

This weekend just showed me- there are plenty of places left for me to discover. Game on...

Peace, love and still new places,

B

PROMISE!!!

I promise to write to you all tonight. Swear, cross my heart. Clearly I have been more busy at work... no time to write during the day- and busy at night creating a life. If someone would like to donate an i-pad or mini computer, that would be greatly appreciated so I can write on the go. But I know it seems like I have left the blogging world- which some of you predicted- but I promise, and I take my promises very seriously- that I have not left yall. More so- I am collecting experiences to report back to you guys.

For example: The time my boyfriend made me cry this weekend when he was making me clean out my childhood room. Yea, thats right- tears streamed down my face when I was forced to give away my Tigger stuffed animals because I don't need them anymore. He told me that they 'would make some little kid very happy.' What about making me happy- that stuffed animal makes me very happy! And when he told me that I will never wear some college/high school clothes again and I needed to give them up- I wanted to punch him in the face. Clearly I didn't, and he was being mean out of caring- but still, what if one day I need those stuffed animals or clothes from high school? He will feel bad then.

Lesson Learned:

I don't want to be a pack rat- but now I understand why people are. But also, I understand what my mom meant when I was younger and she said she had no time- free time is hard to come by. Which is another reason people become pack rats- they just don't have time to throw it away.... Interesting thought, isn't it?

Peace, Love and I SWEAR no abandonment- just the blogs might come a few times a week and not every day,

B

Whirlwind

So, I know you all are probably wondering, "now that Brandi moved back to Atlanta, she is back in her groove, back to the normal. Now that she is back, nothing new or exciting will ever happen to her again." Yea... well... surprise, you are wrong!

Now that I am back, my life has never moved so fast, had so many changes and been happy throughout the whole time- ever. My job is incredible. Finally I am in a position with support. A position that other people are rooting for me to succeed and rooting for me to progress. I see a future progression- future growth and a start of a possible career that I never saw in New York. I go to work every morning excited for what will happen next. Yea, the hour-ish commute kinda sucks still (but only 6 weeks more until I move into my new apartment!)- and yea, I am not reading as much, but I am excited to go to work and I am not standing squished between two over sized, smelly men.

Another large change in my life has been the very fast progressing relationship with my boyfriend. I was back in Bloomington, Indiana visiting him this past weekend, he was in Atlanta seeing me 2 weekends ago and he is making his way back to Atlanta this coming weekend and the weekend after that. Let's just say that he is great. Him and I have passed that mushy stage- onto the real life part and even closer to the real life relationship when the long distance that we are in now will be confined into one city. Its coming closer and I cannot wait. He has been a big part of my support system.

Another change: I have FINALLY started working out on a regular schedule again. Walking the dog with my mom in the morning and stopping at the gym on the way home from work or after going for drinks. Finally, I am not eating my way through a city, and my jeans are thanking me every day.

And finally- on a more materialistic though: I am able to live here. I finally got my first real paycheck and realized- with actual fact how much more money I am making and how much more I am able to live here. Instead of having to dig into my savings, I can live on my paycheck: pay my loans, pay my future rent, pay my bills, pay for things that come up, and finally still be able to do some fun things (like a beer fest that I went to 2 weeks ago). Just all around- not having to worry about money as much really does make life a lot less stressful.

I am not saying that money can buy happiness, AT ALL.

But what I am saying is that money can make life easier and easier to find happiness. Just a realization that I never thought I would admit.

Lesson Learned:

Having a support system makes all the difference: in life, in relationships and financially. With all three, theres no stopping me.

Peace, Love, and I promise to write more and find the time... its fine, I will just be more tired,

B

Jeep Wave

All the way through high school, I drove my dads '95 soft top jeep wrangler. I loved that jeep not only because driving with the top down, doorless during the beautiful spring, summer and fall was amazing, but the culture that went along with driving the jeep made it extra special. There is a 'jeep club' exclusive for jeep wrangler drivers only. A simple wave to another jeep driver lets you know they are apart of the club. Apart of the enjoy life and drive a jeep club. Yes, clearly their advertising of the Jeep Life worked on me, but really, seeing that kind of happiness between jeep drivers is just comforting- knowing that driving a Jeep just makes life seem a littler happier.

I almost wish that everyone could be apart of the jeep club. Right now, as I type, Diane Sawyer is reporting about the unrest in the Middle East. She is speaking about the one week celebration of victory in Egypt, and the revolution starting Bahrain. These people are fighting for their rights- and here I am, talking about a jeep wave. How messed up is that? The world is on edge, all eyes focused on the middle east- protesters being beaten, killed, journalists attacked- men, women and children looking on waiting to see what will happen to their country, to their future and to their freedom.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason- but what is the reason for all the unrest? What is the reason for all the problems and all the unhappiness. Life is not suppose to be this hard. Was there ever a time that everyone was happy? In my mind- yes, when we were cave men, before the invention of fire- when people just were.

Questions of the world that will never be answered until they are played out. I guess all I can do is keep forming opinions to make thing better. Make people smile. Make people realize that maybe life can be easier if they just let go- everyone just accept. Acceptance and understand.

I am not big on politics or policies. I don't understand them and I never really have. I believe in as long as you are happy and allow me to be happy and don't get in my way of happiness, then we're all good. Its an elementary thought I know, but it works for me and I am a happy person generally- just don't quite understand why everyone else can't.

If everyone can find their 'jeep wave' then maybe we can all get along... But who knows.

What I do know is this:

With everything going on, and all the stress in the world- its scary. I am scared and nervous, but want to do something to help. Just don't know what.

Peace, love and Jeep wave to the world,

B

Valentines and Name Plates

Today was a defining day in two ways.

First: my first real Valentines day. I got flowers delivered to me at my desk that were beautiful. Not only was it my first real Valentines day not only getting something from my parents, but it was the first time I had a boy send me flowers since Junior year of high school when some creep-o decided he wanted me to be his girlfriend without telling me. Literally, he showed up at my house with flowers, expecting out of the blue for me to be his girlfriend because he bought me flowers- but typically, being in a relationship requires verbal exchanges and since we had never spoken before... that kind of made it hard to let him be my boy friend. So really, today was the first time and loved every second of it.

Second: I finally got my own name plate. At my first job, there was no way to declare my desk because no one ever gave me a name plate. Usually the simple plaques are standard with your name and title. But at my first, they did not quite see it as necessary. Well, after 5 at my new job, I got a name plate! Its made out of a cd,which is really creative. But its not how cool it is that matters- its the fact that I have my own desk, my own area with MY name on it. Something so small as a name plate has made this whole move seem like I am starting a life. It's nice to feel like I am wanted in my office and appreciated. It makes my job feel like there is more of a future in a career. Just the small things in life.

Also... on another note, I signed a lease! I will finally be moving out into my own place with a friend of mine on April 20th. Figuring out my small bank accounts to pay for an apartment is so much easier when my rent isn't through the roof. I signed a year lease for half of what i was looking for in New York and twice the size. Having me space, warm weather, friends and a good job that I love is what I moved for.

Lesson Learned:

The thought always counts, and flowers will always bring a smile.

Peace, Love and defining days,

B

turn around

What a week! there is no other explanation.

A week ago, 7 days, I was sitting alone, trapped inside my aunts house waiting for my ride to the airport. The weekend was freezing and raining and just plain gross. And today- well, at the moment, I am sitting on the back porch of my house in a long sleeve shirt and gym shorts- just got back from a run actually. This is the only thing I have ever wanted- good weather. I know for a fact that the weather is not always perfect, but its mid-winter and amazing out.

The Turn around I have experienced this week is incredible. I just feel like I am back where I belong. Who would have thought that in 6 months, I would have had 2 jobs- lived in 2 cities and had the encounters that I have had. Following my gut has not failed me yet. There is no lesson in school that teaches you to do what makes you happy. If my teachers would have just told me that- then life in general would be a lot easier. Because when I am happy- everything else just falls into place, and I don't think I am the only one who feels like this.

On top of the great week of settling back into Georgia, my boyfriend came in to visit. He was here for 4 days and every time we see each other, it gets harder and harder to say goodbye until the next visit. I guess this is what they say about long distance relationships suck. But in the suckiest of situations- he does a great job of making it seem like the weeks go by faster until the next time. It's funny- recently, things just make sense. He is my first relationship and I might be a little bias, but he is the best. He doest take my crap, which I tend to dish out, and he tells me when I am being dramatic and still wants to hang out with me anyways. So I guess saying that, I'll keep him around. 12 more days until I see him next- taking a trip to Indiana and 12 days can't come soon enough.

Lesson Learned:

Everything works out.

Peace, Love and happiness,

B