The first phase was denial. Aka the first 4 months- the summer right after. The summer where in the back of my mind I thought that August was going to roll around and magically, I would just be going back to school with all my friends- a stroke of fate would happen and I'd be back.
The second phase was run away. Aka moving to New York- 6 months. I moved away from home to try and find that happiness that I had in Bloomington. Find my own way- find out if my dreams would come true. I ran to New York because its also know as the "city of dreams" or as I came to know it, "the concrete jungle." New York was my escape- my excuse to try and find a way to be happy without school friends. All of those school friends mostly lived in Chicago and were having a great time- so possibly, I tried so hard to make myself look like I was having an amazing time- making friends, trying something new. Part of that statement is true- but another part of my has realized that I was putting on a front- trying to make myself seem happier than I was, knowing in the back of my mind, Home is where I am the happiest.
The third phase, the new phase, is reality. After almost a year out of college (a full year in May), have I realized that no one else matters. No body else's happiness can define my happiness. To have friends and to be truly happy- I have to be my own friend, and be happy with myself. I am finally there. I have accepted that life does go on after college-friends will drift, jobs will come and go, the seasons will change and years will still pass, and no matter what, life will go on. But this new phase, this reality phase, is not a bad one. It's actually kind of fun- the unknown.
One thing is for sure- I have finally come to a place within myself that realizes change is ok. It's scary for sure- but thats life- consistent change.
The fact that no day in real life is the same. I went from a birthday party Friday night to volunteering at a youth group convention on Saturday night-Sunday, to watching a full Sex and the City marathon with a good friend on Sunday shows me that although my best friends came from college- there are more friends to meet and new memories to be made. Holding onto the old memories is important, because they molded me into who I am now, but moving forward is what is most important.
And I have realized why I have not been blogging as much- it is because I do not really have a lot of frustration anymore. When I was younger- I had a huge problem with bullies. My mom decided it would be a good idea to send me to talk to a child physiologist (which now that I look at it- the best idea). My doctor told me instead of letting out my feelings on others, let my feelings out on a piece of paper- just let everything flow. And that is why I always put a pen to paper (or in this case, fingers to the keyboard) when I am upset. Only really in sad times did I ever write page after page in my journals. But when I was happy, there would be a short blurb that went like this:
"Dear Journal,
Swim practice was great today- and I went to the mall and bought a new hair clip. Its
really cool.
Love, Brandi
Which is why now, I have not been writing- Because I haven't had time to write because I am out enjoying everything going on.
In New York- I encountered a lot of situations that made me upset- I had some issues within my self that needed to be worked out, and my way of getting out my frustrations: writing. But now, those frustrations I encountered in New York are not gone through alone. I have a support system around me. And, all around, not as many frustrations- I am all around happier. Something I am going to work on is learning to write when I am happy, share the fun things with you all, instead of only the complications. Because recently, I have been loving where I am in this third phase, really loving the reality, instead of day dreaming of being back in college.
So my challenge to myself:
Now that I am in this 3rd phase phase, do not stop writing. I need to show you all every aspect of myself, good, bad and different. Who knows, this could be like my "smile project" because havent you ever noticed that when you smile as someone, its hard for them not to smile back- with my new chapter- maybe I'll help someone smile back.. just a though.
Peace, love and loving the 3rd phase,
b
No comments:
Post a Comment