Yea- its been awhile.

I have come to the conclusion that I am a binge writer with this blog. I turn to this portal when my words can not form from my mouth to come out in complete sentences  or even make sense. Just like sometimes you cant make sense of things going on.

You try to add them up- logically, 1+1+1=3. That's what should happen. But what about when 1+1+1=8? What about when the world around me does not make sense? What happens when I almost break down, knowing that I need to pull it together, when my knees buckle, when I cannot get a word out of my mouth, when my airways close up to the point of choking, and all that appears are tears. Tears, upon tears, upon tears. They never end. At some point I think they subside- and then, just one thing happens, and there they come, like I have never cried once in my life.

I am known to have a lot of feelings- being emotional makes me who I am. I feel for others- I try to include everyone, I feel pain, even when someone else is hurting. I smile with everything I have, and in turn, cry with everything that I am.

Thats just me. And for some reason, the mess that I have become over the past few months is functioning. I am not quite sure why or how, but it just works.This emotional state of uneasiness- of always what will tomorrow brings, has become a normal state. Between new jobs (yes again), family ups and downs, hurricanes, snow storms, bone suprs, and other things- every day is a guessing game. Who knows whats going to happen. And I am ok with that- but I am also ok with the fact that today, just today-  hardcore sucked.

So. I cried about it. Plain old cried. I am an ugly crier. But the tears help me make sense. And I am lucky enough to have someone to make me laugh through the headache, redeyes, and stuffy nose that come from crying. And once the crying stops- the laughing starts. 

peace, love and utter disarray,
b

Also- no promises that I will write more consistently  But, like I have before- saying that I will try. Gotta find myself again once the rollercoaster comes to a coast. Wouldn't that be nice? But then again... coasting might be boring.