New Chapter...

So I think I have entered a third phase of my post-college life-

The first phase was denial. Aka the first 4 months- the summer right after. The summer where in the back of my mind I thought that August was going to roll around and magically, I would just be going back to school with all my friends- a stroke of fate would happen and I'd be back.

The second phase was run away. Aka moving to New York- 6 months. I moved away from home to try and find that happiness that I had in Bloomington. Find my own way- find out if my dreams would come true. I ran to New York because its also know as the "city of dreams" or as I came to know it, "the concrete jungle." New York was my escape- my excuse to try and find a way to be happy without school friends. All of those school friends mostly lived in Chicago and were having a great time- so possibly, I tried so hard to make myself look like I was having an amazing time- making friends, trying something new. Part of that statement is true- but another part of my has realized that I was putting on a front- trying to make myself seem happier than I was, knowing in the back of my mind, Home is where I am the happiest.

The third phase, the new phase, is reality. After almost a year out of college (a full year in May), have I realized that no one else matters. No body else's happiness can define my happiness. To have friends and to be truly happy- I have to be my own friend, and be happy with myself. I am finally there. I have accepted that life does go on after college-friends will drift, jobs will come and go, the seasons will change and years will still pass, and no matter what, life will go on. But this new phase, this reality phase, is not a bad one. It's actually kind of fun- the unknown.

One thing is for sure- I have finally come to a place within myself that realizes change is ok. It's scary for sure- but thats life- consistent change.

The fact that no day in real life is the same. I went from a birthday party Friday night to volunteering at a youth group convention on Saturday night-Sunday, to watching a full Sex and the City marathon with a good friend on Sunday shows me that although my best friends came from college- there are more friends to meet and new memories to be made. Holding onto the old memories is important, because they molded me into who I am now, but moving forward is what is most important.

And I have realized why I have not been blogging as much- it is because I do not really have a lot of frustration anymore. When I was younger- I had a huge problem with bullies. My mom decided it would be a good idea to send me to talk to a child physiologist (which now that I look at it- the best idea). My doctor told me instead of letting out my feelings on others, let my feelings out on a piece of paper- just let everything flow. And that is why I always put a pen to paper (or in this case, fingers to the keyboard) when I am upset. Only really in sad times did I ever write page after page in my journals. But when I was happy, there would be a short blurb that went like this:

"Dear Journal,

Swim practice was great today- and I went to the mall and bought a new hair clip. Its

really cool.

Love, Brandi

Which is why now, I have not been writing- Because I haven't had time to write because I am out enjoying everything going on.

In New York- I encountered a lot of situations that made me upset- I had some issues within my self that needed to be worked out, and my way of getting out my frustrations: writing. But now, those frustrations I encountered in New York are not gone through alone. I have a support system around me. And, all around, not as many frustrations- I am all around happier. Something I am going to work on is learning to write when I am happy, share the fun things with you all, instead of only the complications. Because recently, I have been loving where I am in this third phase, really loving the reality, instead of day dreaming of being back in college.

So my challenge to myself:

Now that I am in this 3rd phase phase, do not stop writing. I need to show you all every aspect of myself, good, bad and different. Who knows, this could be like my "smile project" because havent you ever noticed that when you smile as someone, its hard for them not to smile back- with my new chapter- maybe I'll help someone smile back.. just a though.

Peace, love and loving the 3rd phase,

b

New Places

I have grew up on Atlanta. Well... sort of, more so in the suburbs... but still, Atlanta was my home base. And in the 22 years of growing up in the Atlanta metro area, I have never really explored the park down town. I knew it was a place that people went on nice days, and I knew it was fun, but I never seemed to venture down there.

Today was my first official day playing and exploring the park, and it has blown me away. In New York, central park was cool, but I always felt like I could never get a grip on the park: totally different back in Atlanta. Maybe its because I feel like I belong in this city more, or maybe it was the 70 degrees and clear blue skies- whatever it was, I just felt like this park was calling my name. The park is also going to be my official debut of my kickball talents. To make new friends, I am continuing on my friend dating, but doing it through a league- we play every Sunday and then go to the bar to drink. The perfect way to make friends- sports and booze. The easiest way to make friends.

Because I grew up in the Atlanta area, I thought I knew everything- well, clearly I am wrong. One main reason I know everything is because now that my boyfriend will be spending the summer in Atlanta, he is trying to get a grip on the city, and he asks me questions, asks where things are or how to get places and I have NO clue. So having him so curious about where everything is forces me to explore more and actually take the effort. Without him asking- I wouldn't even care to look.

Another concept I discovered this weekend: beer drinking at a brewery. If you have never had Sweetwater beer- you need to. Your life will be rocked- believe me. I can now confidently say that I have tried EVERY one of their beers- and all exceeded my expectations. Plus, as the brewery, I got a free glass with my $8 dollar entry fee and 6 beer tickets (which ended up being about 10 tickets between myself, my boyfriend and a few friends, because people thought that we looked thirsty and would just hand us their tickets.)- totally worth the $8 and 15 minute drive.

This weekend just showed me- there are plenty of places left for me to discover. Game on...

Peace, love and still new places,

B

PROMISE!!!

I promise to write to you all tonight. Swear, cross my heart. Clearly I have been more busy at work... no time to write during the day- and busy at night creating a life. If someone would like to donate an i-pad or mini computer, that would be greatly appreciated so I can write on the go. But I know it seems like I have left the blogging world- which some of you predicted- but I promise, and I take my promises very seriously- that I have not left yall. More so- I am collecting experiences to report back to you guys.

For example: The time my boyfriend made me cry this weekend when he was making me clean out my childhood room. Yea, thats right- tears streamed down my face when I was forced to give away my Tigger stuffed animals because I don't need them anymore. He told me that they 'would make some little kid very happy.' What about making me happy- that stuffed animal makes me very happy! And when he told me that I will never wear some college/high school clothes again and I needed to give them up- I wanted to punch him in the face. Clearly I didn't, and he was being mean out of caring- but still, what if one day I need those stuffed animals or clothes from high school? He will feel bad then.

Lesson Learned:

I don't want to be a pack rat- but now I understand why people are. But also, I understand what my mom meant when I was younger and she said she had no time- free time is hard to come by. Which is another reason people become pack rats- they just don't have time to throw it away.... Interesting thought, isn't it?

Peace, Love and I SWEAR no abandonment- just the blogs might come a few times a week and not every day,

B